The Misadventures of Mel

No Soup for You!

2007-09-06T21:12:00.000-05:00

In my office, the break room and copy area are right next to each other with a huge garbage can sitting between the two. On my way to the microwave, I stopped near the garbage to pop the lid off my Campbell's can. Soup exploded ALL OVER the Xerox machine. I quickly mopped it up, but couldn't help noticing that we got a new copier two days later. It has to be just a coincidence, right? I thought soup was supposed to be "good" food. Leave it up to mine to misbehave!

Of All the Gin Joints, He Had to Walk Into Mine

2007-09-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

I am one of eight organizers in a local supper club. One of my fellow organizers issued a warning email for us to keep an eye out on a certain member. It seems that this particular member was asking men at one of the dinners who the "rich women" were in the group. His member profile self exclaims he is "the right guy" and offers a $4,000 "bounty" for the person who introduces him to his future wife.

While out for drinks one night with Claudine, I told her how I was considering giving dating another shot. She replied, "Let me introduce you to 'the right guy' so I can collect that reward!" NOT EVEN ten minutes later, two men walk up to us at the bar. Upon introduction, I learned that the guy talking to me was non other than the INFAMOUS MEMBER we were JUST joking about. As if it isn't weird enough he entered our bar (out of ALL the bars in DC) and he approached me (out of ALL the women in the club), what makes it even stranger is that he had JUST been kicked out of the supper club THAT NIGHT after going to a dinner my close friend Gab was hosting!!!

Even more bizarre than the coincidence, was the gentleman himself. He told me that as a hobby he builds guns (I am picturing John Malkovich from In the Line of Fire). He asked me about my interests and I mentioned sailing. He replied that sailing is an expensive hobby. Upon hearing this comment, Claudine retorted with a devious grin, "Oh, this girl is LOADED. Mel doesn't have to worry about that! She is a widow. Her husband left her loads of cash!!!" You could see this guy's eyes light up. It was hilarious. Normally I don't lie to people, but a guy this money hungry deserved it.

He might be "the right guy," but I am not "the right girl." For now, I’m quite content being “the one who got away.” We left the bar laughing and wondering if he'll ever find his "rich woman" to marry. Heck, he has to pay that $4,000 reward somehow!

A Fairytale Ending

2007-08-28T23:05:00.000-05:00

Bad news - It wasn't the plumbing. The leak actually got worse! In an act of desperation, I lived without air conditioning for a few days and spent another day working from home while waiting for a repair man.
Good news - It was the AC, I have a home warranty, and the leak is now fixed.

Bad news - It is going to take me twice as long to get settled because the movers did such a terrible job. Despite me giving them instruction to where my furniture SHOULD be placed, I ended up with a bookcase and twin mattress in my guest bathroom.
Good news - I'll have access to plenty good "bathroom reading material" and will have an especially short trip when I wake up in the middle of the night having to "go." (Just kidding.) In reality, the good news is that I think I might actually see a muscle forming from having to rearrange...

Bad News - Mom was the in the hospital the bulk of last week. They took a bone marrow sample and found "bad cells." She was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome, also known as MDS or preleukemia. While it isn't a "full-blown" case of leukemia, it can progress into acute myelogenous leukemia. She had to receive several transfusions, but was released this weekend. She'll be staring chemotherapy soon.
Good News - My mom is such a strong woman. She battled breast cancer a few years ago. Although I know she is scared and is in a bit of pain from her hospital visit, she remains optimistic.

Bad News - Recently, I have felt so alone. I know I should be happy that I have fulfilled my dream of becoming a home owner. It is just hard to sit back and enjoy it when there are so many things to worry about.
Good News - I have awesome friends who constantly remind me that I am NOT alone. My support net is very strong. A few days ago, I got an email from Angey, one of my biggest cheerleaders. The email said, "This DEFINITELY made me think of you!" and had the attached story:

Once upon a time, a guy and a girl fell in love and were married. The guy treated her like crap, but rather than taking it, the girl set off to start a new life for herself. She summoned up the strength to get a divorce and spent the rest of her life shopping and drinking martinis with friends. She always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, was never farted on, and lived happily ever after.

I've seen a few different versions of this story on the web, but it was JUST what I needed to hear. True, bad things do happen (as they say, "that's life"). But, I have the love and support of friends, awesome parents, and my very own fairytale ending. :-D

The Joys of Being a Homeowner

2007-08-08T18:51:00.000-05:00

Today is two weeks to the day I closed on my condo. Today also happens to be the day I got a call informing me that something in my unit is leaking water into the place below me. A plumber is coming out tomorrow to check my pipes. You wanna check my pipes?!?! How does this sound? AAAAAAAARGH!

Burn Baby Burn

2007-08-02T18:12:00.000-05:00

I attempted to boil my face off yesterday while at work.

While filling scalding hot water into a cup to make cocoa, the cup slipped and some water splashed out on my hand. As a reaction, I dropped the cup, which hit the counter and doused me with water. My entire face was bright red, but the skin around my chin, lips, and eyes got burned the worst. It sent my coworkers into quite a panic. After running my head under cold water for half an hour, an ice compress did the trick. When all was said and done, my pride was damaged far worse than my face.

Of course, I couldn't have pulled this stunt last week when practically everyone was out of the office. Oh, no. I had to wait until half the executive team from headquarters came in for a visit. Leave it to me to make a big impression!

Well, Blow Me Down!

2007-07-31T18:35:00.000-05:00

Mentioned in my previous entry, my mother's birthday was this past weekend. A few weeks ago I took a glassblowing lesson, so as a gift I gave her the bowl I made in class. While at her birthday dinner at Maison Lacour, a fine French restaurant in Baton Rouge, I thought about how things have come full circle...

A little over two years ago at that SAME restaurant I first mentioned my interest in glassblowing. Upon hearing this, my father remarked, "I dunno Melanie. You've got to be good at blowing to do that. Are you good at blowing?" Before my father realized how that sounded, I cringed and my mother gasped in shock. "Um... I mean... with your asthma and... you need good lung function... err." Yeah, there is no recovering from that comment. It wouldn't have been that bad were we not at dinner with my ex-boyfriend, his PARENTS and GRANDMOTHER.

To answer your question Dad, yes. As evidenced by the quality of my bowl, I am good at blowing. And to this day, when I think of that moment, I still feel like "blowing" my brains out.

Coming to a Close

2007-07-29T18:43:00.000-05:00

In exactly seven days, I have managed to:

end a nine month quasi-dating relationship
buy my first home
move
fly to Baton Rouge to help my mother celebrate her birthday
attend Sheila's wedding in Jackson, Mississippi

All that, and I only missed two days of work.

(As a side note, you might find it interesting that I caught the bride's bouquet. Well, more like it hit me square in the chest. Since that means I'll be "next," either the rest of the girls at her wedding will die old maids or I'll have to lift my dating moratorium.)

While closing on my condo was an exciting and empowering experience, I must admit that I am more relieved that the week itself has come to a close!

The Man Who Came to Dinner

2007-07-22T17:34:00.000-05:00

In the midst of packing and making final arrangements for the closing on my condo, my on-again/off-again dating relationship with the Banker OFFICIALLY "closed" this weekend. It was bound so happen. The feelings just weren't there.

In other news, my friend Walter was in DC for a few days on business. Although I have known Walt for over 18 years, we are really bad at keeping in touch. Years will go by with nothing more than a few emails. But, whenever we finally do catch up with each other, we pick up as though not a day has passed.

We met Thursday night for dinner and drinks in Georgetown. As always, we had a ball together. It was one of those evening where you wished it didn't have to end. It was so nice to spend time with someone who has known me so long, they almost know me better than I know myself.

Between my night out with Walter and the end of a casual dating relationship that spanned nine months, I've had a revelation. I HATE DATING. Hate it. I know the whole "getting to know you" stage should be exciting, but for me it is such a chore.

I have done quite a bit of reflecting on the matter and have resigned myself to quit dating all together. I'm quite happy staying single and going on meaningful "dates" with people who truly understand me, my friends.

Those Crazy Days of Summer

2007-07-06T22:08:00.000-05:00

Whew. Things have been hectic lately. I have been swamped at work, frantically searching for a place to live, and been kept busy by tons of misadventures. (As if that last one comes as any surprise.)

The good news is that I found a place, so I can scratch that one off my list. I am going to be moving from "renter" to "owner"!!! In the process though, I've moved from "Every Day in May" to "Not Anytime Soon in June" to "I'll Try in July." And I will. In between packing I'll work my darnedest to share with you my many misadventures as of late.

Although I have fallen behind on my posts, this summer has been far from "lazy!"

Got Beer?

2007-05-29T22:20:00.000-05:00

Since my friend Marc was the first to point out how well I've been keeping up with "Every Day in May," I will take this opportunity to share a misadventure I recently had with him.

A month ago, on a brief visit home, the two of us got together over dinner. I love Marc. He is the only guy I could split EVERY fried appetizer on the menu at the Chimes with, without feeling embarrassed. We had a genuine piggy-fest. Boudin balls, fried mozzarella, cheese fries, fried alligator - the only thing we consumed that wasn't cooked in boiling fat, was our cocktails.

We were slightly agitated that half our order of fried mozzarella was nothing but batter shells as the cheese seemed to have slipped out during preparation. So, to lift our spirits, we decided to hit Walk-ons for their famous cookie bowl sundae. It was here that Marc and I experimented by creating a beer float. Yes, that is right - not root beer - just... beer.

I'm not sure if my "foodie" friends will applaud our efforts or turn away in disgust, but Marc reported it was "not bad." That said, I still don't think it'll be showing up on diner menus across the country any time soon. I imagine too many might cause a nasty hangover with a touch of brain freeze. Hmmm... Marc, wanna be the guinea pig for that experiment too? ;-)

Jamestown or Bust

2007-05-16T10:53:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, my friend JB and I decided to go to Jamestown for the 400 year anniversary of the first American settlement. The three day celebration culminated with a visit from the President and a patriotic concert complete with fireworks, a 400 piece symphony, and a 1,607 member chorus. The show was amazing and I am so glad I was able to participate in such a historic event.

I can't help but imagine the arduous journey John Smith and the other settlers made before finally landing at Jamestown and meeting Pocahontas. Shoot, I know we had our OWN struggle getting there. Let me just put it this way - two flat tires, no spare. We spent two hours waiting for a tow truck and another two hours getting new tires at Pep Boys. But like the first Americans, we were determined to reach our destination.

Here's to all the brave men and women (and their misadventures) who helped shape this grand country of ours. God bless America!!!

Finger Lickin' Good?

2007-05-14T23:06:00.000-05:00

Friday night, the girls and I went to dinner at an Italian restaurant in Dupont Circle. The maitre de was an authentic Italian who frequently popped over to our table to "check up on us." Like any good Italian, he was a tremendous flirt, spoke with his hands, and had an amazing accent. It was all good until I asked him a question about the dessert. He pointed to the menu item in question, made a grand gesture, and accidentally inserted his finger into my mouth. It wasn't the best tasting item that night, but certainly the most memorable! Capisce?

Another One Bites the Dust.

2007-05-11T15:04:00.000-05:00

One of the reasons I haven't been blogging as much is that I have been doing the work of three people. (I'm not exaggerating.) It looks like I'll soon be absorbing a forth person's job responsibilities as our Graphic Designer just put in her two weeks notice. That leaves a Marketing Director in Atlanta with no one to report to her as I report directly to the VP of Marketing here in DC. If they don't start hiring people soon, I might soon become *THE* Marketing Department! (:-o

Every Day in May

2007-05-09T11:34:00.000-05:00

I've been so wrapped up in misadventures that I've been neglecting to post them! I decided to set a goal for myself - post in my blog every day in May. Seeing as how it is May 9th, you can tell I am getting off to a fabulous start.

When I Grow Up or: Don Johnson is DA COOLEST

2007-04-03T12:52:00.000-05:00

Last year, when Casino Royale was released, I made a comment that I wanted to be James Bond. Rob, of urban family fame, got to thinking (a dangerous pastime) about how my answer to the question "who would you most like to be" would have changed through the years. He shot out an email with his conclusion.

Mel
---------------------------
1975 Mrs. Santa Claus
1976 Shirley Temple
1977 Shirley Temple
1978 Dianna Ross
1979 Bionic Woman
1980 Indira Ghandi
1981 Daisy Duke
1982 Joan Jett
1983 Sheena Easton
1984 Madonna
1985 Picaso
1986 Don Johnson
1987 Don Johnson
1988 Paula Abdul
1989 Timothy Dalton
1990 Vanilla Ice
1991 Sharon Stone
1992 Tipper Gore
1993 Stevie Nicks
1994 Hugh Grant
1995 "Marsha Brady"
1996 Ginger Spice
1997 Britney Spears
1998 Brad Pitt
1999 Cher
2000 Jennifer Aniston
2001 Dean Martin
2002 Nomar Garciaparra
2003 Mr. T
2004 Martha Stewart
2005 Angelina Jolie
2006 "James Bond"
2007 ????

The dates are off on a few of them (Marsha Brady in '95?), he left a few people out (little orphan Annie, Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn) and there are only a few people who I would NEVER want to be (Tipper Gore?!). Other than that, he did a pretty good job. Actually, it is rather SCARY how close he is to what my actual answers might have been!!!

I know it is still pretty early, but I am taking a "call for entries" for "Who Mel Wants to Be 2007". With my still-somewhat-new DC setting, Jackie O is taking the lead.

How to Irritate People

2007-03-28T21:25:00.000-05:00

The urban family took a weekend trip to Charlottesville. We went shopping, tasted wine at a vineyard, enjoyed several good restaurants, and visited UVA. But, the highlight of our mini-vacation was a tour of Thomas Jefferson's Monticello.

Almost as soon as we stepped inside the foyer and the tour began, John Cleese came back to haunt me. I frantically dug in my purse for the phone as I made my way back toward the front door. My hand was on the knob when out of nowhere a docent grabbed me, pulled me back into the house, and shuffled me off into a back hallway of the house.

After turning off my phone, and receiving a scolding, I was allowed to rejoin the group. The guide never missed a beat, but my friends could hardly catch their breath from laughing.

Thomas Jefferson said it best, "Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances." It seems as though we have quite a handicap.

He's the Cheesiest!

2007-03-27T21:16:00.000-05:00

Apparently Kevin didn't learn his lesson. My lactose-intollerant friend hosted a cheese tasting party last week. He had 15 guests and, you guessed it, eight pounds of cheese!

...And It Was Good.

2007-03-26T23:46:00.000-05:00

Back in January, DC celebrated Restaurant Week. Over 200 of this area's finest restaurants offer special 3-course meals for $30.07.

On the first day, I went to Agraria... and it was good.
On the second day, I went to LIMA... and it was very good.
On the third day, I went to Farrah Olivia... and it was fantastic.
On the fourth day, I went to McCormick & Schmick's... and it was tasty.
On the fifth day, I went to Ristorante Tosca... and it was to die for.
On the sixth day, I went to Smith & Wollensky... and it was great.
And on the seventh day, I rested.

Now, two months later, I am still trying to recover from that piggy-fest and think back to it every time I step on a scale. Great news for my "foodie" friends who are in the same boat though, we have almost two weeks to work off the extra poundage in order to make room for Taste of the Nation on April 9th. ;-)

And Now for Something Completely Different

2007-03-01T12:10:00.000-05:00

I love John Cleese. He cracks me up. (I'm sure y'all can imagine my excitement when he was cast to play the new "Q" in the Bond films.) I like Cleese so much, that I downloaded several ring tones from his website. Now, he announces my calls by saying things such as "It's your drug dealer calling" or "Ooooo - You have a phone call, you lucky thing!"

Almost as soon as I got back to DC from the holiday, I had to turn around and go to our company's headquarters in Atlanta. I was in a conference room with about 15 people and had forgotten to put my cell on silent. (Can you see where this is going?) In the middle of our meeting, Cleese announced quite loudly, "Pick up your phone, you silly bastard!!!"

There was a moment of silence, and then the room erupted in laughter. (Whew!) Thankfully I wasn't the only one who finds John Cleese funny. I really am a "lucky thing!"

Most awesome New Year EVER.

2007-02-28T23:11:00.000-05:00

I flew back to DC on December 31st. I couldn't miss the opportunity to catch this New Year's Eve party... I rang in (2)007 - the year of the spy - with the BIGGEST James Bond themed event DC has probably ever experienced.

The celebration was AMAZING. It was held at a hotel in Dupont Circle where several ballrooms were set with food, decoration, music, and entertainment to match that of different Bond films. There were no major misadventures, but by the end of the night Claudine and I were making drunk dials and I was putting on a puppet show with my black evening gloves. (What is a Bond party without an open martini bar?)

I have a feeling (2)007 is going to treat me well. In fact, I'm already feeling like I'm at an "All Time High". ;-D

A different kind of bad

2007-02-27T18:07:00.000-05:00

I've been complaining about the guys around DC. It seems as though the majority of them never received training on how to treat a lady. I'm used to Southern boys - the kind who will hold open a door for you. Since moving here, I've had quite a few doors slam in my face.

While at a party in Baton Rouge for Christmas (Yes, I know it is the end of February - I'm just REALLY far behind), I talked about my recent dating experiences. My friend Carolyn was quick to remind me that the guys down there weren't much better. "They're just a different kind of bad." Almost as if to prove her point, a member of the male species approached us - blatantly staring at our chests. His gaze fixed, he commented, "WOO WEE! Talk about a tough job... I would HATE to be the judge of THIS wet t-shirt contest."

Susan asked him what he did for a living to which he replied (and this is a DIRECT quote), "I sell raccoon meat to black people for $300." Yeah. I'm not sure how much raccoon meat you get for $300, but I wasn't about to ask. Besides, I'm sure that's just a part-time gig until he can nail down that job as a wet t-shirt contest judge.

Charming, eh? I bet you he would have held open the door for me though...

I'll be home for Christmas?

2007-02-05T19:21:00.000-05:00

Things were hectic after I got back from my BVI vacation. I had a lot of work to catch up on, shopping to do, bills to settle, cleaning, unpacking from one trip and packing for another - all in the span of two weeks.

I managed to cram everything in, but my head was still in a spin as I tried to tie up any last-minute loose ends before Jen and Rob picked me up for the airport. I had all bags lined up near the door and Norton was caged and ready to go. The last thing I had to do was take out the garbage. I grabbed the bag, pulled the door shut, and - before I even took that first step - realized that I locked the door behind me with MY KEYS LEFT INSIDE.

I would have surely missed my plane had it not been for Jen. She whipped out a credit card, went to work on my lock, and managed to pop it in less than a minute. Oh yeah... she's ready for kids. :-D

Cheese on the high seas: Part III - Birds of Paradise

2007-01-22T14:30:00.000-05:00

Between Kevin's television viewing habits and an occasional BVI beach chicken spotting, I couldn't help but think of my friend Greg while I was on vacation. I mostly thought of him because I would wonder how he and my birdie buddy, Norton, were getting along. I didn't have to wait long for an answer.

As soon as I got home, I found a note from Greg on my dining room table informing me that "Norton and I had a mostly good time, though he bit me a couple of times and tried to escape at one point." Apparently, after watching a bit of TV together, Norton hid under the sofa because he "doesn't like Growing Pains."

I wonder if Norton overheard me talk about Greg juggling poultry.

Cheese on the high seas: Part II - BVI Blunders

2007-01-20T16:22:00.000-05:00

Some of you heard about my sailing classes last summer. I accidentally dropped my keys in the Chesapeake. I had to trawl the bottom of the bay with a huge magnet tied to a long piece of rope. It took me an hour, but the recovery effort was successful.

I wish I could say after considerable yachting practice I’ve gotten better. This time I dropped the boat hook into the Caribbean. It certainly wasn’t as dire as losing the keys to my car, apartment, and office, but the hook would have come in handy that evening when we tried to pick up a mooring ball.

As I stared down at the mooring ball trying to concoct a plan (I still think lassoing it would have worked), my shipmate sprung into action. In an act-first-think-later fashion, Kevin jumped into the dingy, tied the dingy to the ball, and then passed the rope attached to the ball to me on board. His plan worked pretty well until we literally had to cut the dingy free because he couldn’t untie it from the ball and was practically getting sucked under the ship. Minor details.

Kevin thinks he is Superman and, occasionally, he can pull it off. Then there are the other times…

It was our last day of vacation. We dropped off the Lazy Daze at the Marina and checked into a hotel near the airport. As I got out of the shower that evening, I saw Kevin lying across his bed on his belly; head resting in his hands (like a 13 year old girl) watching TV. The following transpired:

Kevin: Nice shower?
Mel: Yes! (Pause) What are you watching? Is that… JANE AUSTEN?!?!
Kevin: Yeah. It is the new Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightly. I love this movie!
Mel: Sometimes I wonder about you, Kevin.
::: Kevin goes in to take his shower and returns a few minutes later :::
Mel: Nice shower?
Kevin: Yes! (Pause) What are you watching? Is that… FOOTBALL?!?!
Mel: Yeah. It is the SEC Championship. Arkansas and Florida are playing. I love this game!
Kevin: Sometimes I wonder about you, Mel.
Mel: ME?!?! I can't believe you chose Jane Austen over this!
Kevin: I don't follow any sports. Never got into it.

I may come across as Lucille Ball, but I’ll take fumbles any day over being a Superman who passes on a passing game. ;-D

Cheese on the high seas

2006-12-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

The weekend after Thanksgiving, I left DC to go sailing around the British Virgin Islands with my friend Kevin for a week. He rented a 32' sloop and I was his crew!

The trip was AMAZING. I felt like I was living in a Corona commercial! The water was emerald blue, the islands were lush and tropical, and I was able to snorkel with exotic fish and sea turtles. But, this is a blog about my misadventures, so I'll get to the good stuff...

For starters, the people who provisioned our ship made a mistake. They didn't charge us for it, but for several items they gave us double what we ordered. We had 4 chicken breasts, fish filets, and steaks instead of 2.

Kevin and I decided to get a package of Edam and Gouda cheese to eat with crackers, fruit, and wine. Of course, they could have slipped up and given us an extra bottle of wine, but OH NO. Instead, we ended up with 4 packages of EACH cheese. That's right... we had EIGHT POUNDS of cheese.

What makes this even better is that Kevin is lactose intolerant. He brought his medicine, but all the Lactaid in the world wasn't going to help us with that problem. It was all up to me. I was eating cheese sandwiches, cheese and fruit, cheese and crackers, cheese and cheese - well, you get the idea.

Yup. I had a Gouda time!

Thanksgiving turkeys

2006-12-20T22:53:00.000-05:00

Whew! A lot has been going on!!! Sorry to leave you all in suspense, but now that I am home for Christmas, I'll have time to update you on my latest misadventures. My life has been a whirlwind ever since Thanksgiving, so that is where I will get started.

My friend Claudine invited me to spend the big day with her and her family. The evening had everything a traditional Thanksgiving gathering should have - mountains of food, plenty to drink, and wacky relatives. It was so much fun to sit in on their dinner as a stranger and observe their family dynamic.

Gathered around the table were Claudine, her mother and father, sister and brother-in-law, and her two young nieces and nephew. After we finished eating, the kids left the table to play. Naturally, Claudine adores her nieces and nephew. That said, she has a very low tolerance for noise... Especially when it is made by screaming children.

The look of dread on Claudine's face was priceless when her father left the table, threw a blanket over his head, and started chasing his grandchildren while spookingly claiming, "I am the ghooooost of Christmas paaaaaaaast!" The kids LOST IT. The little boy threw his hands over his ears and repeatedly screamed at the top of his lungs, "Turn it off!" Meanwhile, her older niece was letting out sonic squeals (I am still surprised no glass was shattered). The games halt temporarily whenever her baby niece would get hurt and start to wail. Kids get over things quick though, so it wasn't too long before they were begging Grandpa to be a scary ghost again.

I would have laughed harder at the whole situation had it not been for the fact that I felt a little sorry for my friend, whose head was throbbing. (That, and the fact that it hurt whenever I would laugh since my stomach was so full.)

Yup. It was awesome. As I said, all the makings of the perfect Thanksgiving. I do have a tip for Claudine though: Don't forget to give thanks for birth control and remember that the more you drink, the less likely you'll feel like covering up your OWN ears while praying, "TURN IT OFF!!!"

Breaking the ties that Bond

2006-11-22T14:56:00.000-05:00

I am a huge James Bond fan. (Now is the point where those who know me say that is the understatement of the year.) It is partly due to this that I have been absent from the blog as of late. I’ve been QUITE busy celebrating the release of Casino Royale.

In honor of Bond 21, a group of us dressed as characters from the Bond films for Halloween. I went as Vesper Lynd. :-D In addition, I attended a lecture at the Smithsonian on Ian Fleming’s novels. I threw a martini party one week before the premier. Friday, six of us caught the film on opening night. I caught the matinee on Sunday with a different group of friends. Monday night I saw it with the urban family.

I was on an “all time high”, but after seeing the movie three times in four days, on top of all the other "Bond" celebrations, even this fan was ready for a break.

Our company had a party last night. They HAD planned to take us to see The Producers at Warner Theatre, but the entire run was cancelled. Guess what a few of my coworkers suggested we do instead. Yup. Even after I planned not to see the film again, there were other forces at work. The office took a vote and (MUCH to my relief) the majority chose to see Legends at the National Theatre starring Joan Collins and Linda Evans. About 20 minutes into the first act, I felt like I was Bond being tortured by Le Chiffre. The play was HORRIBLE. Greg, who came as my date, fell asleep and all I could think was 1) how I wished I could take a nap too – and – 2) how Casino Royale would have been so much better a forth time.

Lesson Learned: Be careful what you wish for and ALWAYS “stick” to Bond.

Jane Austen sure does get a party started

2006-11-09T18:14:00.000-05:00

I love going to concerts. Even better is the building anticipation and excitement that comes before the show.

Monday night, I met Greg at his apartment before heading to see singer/songwriter Kat Parsons. Each of us was throwing different CDs into his stereo to help get us psyched for the show. I put on Peter Gabriel’s Hits and was quickly rebuffed by Greg. “I’m sorry Mel, but I really need to listen to something more upbeat.”

Apparently the music GENIUS who brought us songs such as “Solsbury Hill”, “The Rhythm of the Heat”, “Shock the Monkey”, “Sledgehammer”, and “Big Time” doesn’t stir the soul into a pre-show frenzy. At least, that is, not as much as the INSTRUMENTAL MOVEMENTS from the major motion picture SOUNDTRACK TO EMMA.

I don’t know what Greg was thinking. I love Jane Austen and the music from her time, but I would hardly say she rocks more than Peter Gabriel. Although the music was lovely, it wasn't exactly effective in setting the mood for the show. While watching Kat perform, I started to crave tea biscuits.

Movin' on up!

2006-11-08T20:07:00.000-05:00

I recently snagged some prime real estate in my office. I've moved to a desk near the window. I'm not going to hide my feelings - I FREAKING LOVE IT! The only downside is that our building is close to Dulles International Airport. Hundreds of times a day I'll look to the sky and think, "Wow. That plane is coming in awfully low. Is it? It is! It is going to hit us! OHDEARGAWD!!! …Whew. Okay. That was close. Back to work. Crap, here comes another one!!!”

Sure, I am living in fear. It is well worth it though, if for no other reason than to make my coworkers jealous. ;-D

"Trixie" and Treats

2006-11-04T02:03:00.000-05:00

On the Saturday before Halloween, a few of us went out to celebrate my friend Gab’s birthday. We passed on playing dress up and instead went to some trendy restaurants and clubs in Penn Quarter. While sipping down specialty drinks at Zengo, Gab has a bright idea. “Let’s go to Archibald’s!” (For those of you not from around here, Archibald’s is a hole-in-the-wall STRIP CLUB.) Hey, it was her birthday, so we packed up and left this swank lounge to go to what is probably the biggest DIVE bar in this city. Talk about going from one extreme to another!

I had never been to a “gentleman’s club” before. Knowing this, Gab insisted I go tip the dancer. She grabbed me by the arm, stuffed a dollar bill in my hand, and led me to the stage. We were standing a foot away from a wiggling girl wearing NOTHING but a garter belt when the following conversation broke out.

Gab: Go ahead. Give her the money. Just stick it in her garter.
Mel: She won’t stay still. I’d have to touch her.
Gab: It’s okay. You can touch her.
Mel: Can’t I just hand her the dollar?
Dancer: It’s okay. You can touch me.
Mel: No offense, but I’d prefer not to.
::: Dancer rolls her eyes and pulls open her garter belt :::
Gab: Sorry. This is her first time. She’s a bit uncomfortable.
Dancer: What??? Oh sweetie, don't be nervous! Poor thing. Well, I am going to give you a hug whether you like it or not!
::: Dancer scoops me up into a big bear hug :::
Mel: Ummmm. Thanks?

I had a blast with my friends, but it was without question my weirdest Halloween ever. I started out having an elegant dinner with friends and ended up getting felt up by a stripper. The jury is still out as to whether that was a trick or treat…

Shaken AND Stirred

2006-11-01T18:41:00.000-05:00

Rarely do we get to see ourselves from another person’s perspective. I had that opportunity this past Friday.

Those who know me know vodka is my drink of choice. It’s good enough for James Bond, so it’s good enough for me. I have quite an elaborate collection, too. If you know me, you probably also know that my refrigerator has nothing in it aside from a few odd condiments that rarely get used… and a chilled bottle of my best vodka.

So, when I offered my date a drink on Friday night, I shouldn’t have been too surprised at his bewildered reaction. Looking over the dozen or so bottles on my bar he finally asked, “Do you have ANYTHING other than vodka?” I swung open the fridge to check what I already knew. Gazing inside, he observed, “More vodka? You don’t even have anything to mix it with!” “That’s not true,” I replied, “I’ve got ICE!”

Brrrrrr-ing it on!

2006-10-26T18:10:00.000-05:00

I haven’t been experiencing a lack of misadventures, but the ones I’ve had as of late I really don’t care to share. There are some misadventures that just aren’t pleasant to discuss. Instead, let’s talk about the weather.

I LOATHE cold weather and fall/winter comes FAR too early up here. Feeling totally gypped from a too-short summer, I decided to overcome my chills by thinking warm thoughts. Feeling cold is just in your head, right? All I can say is that no matter how many warm, positive thoughts of denial you think, it is still a bad idea to eat ice cream while walking through the streets of Old Town Alexandria on a 44° night.

Rock me like a hurricane

2006-10-20T16:52:00.000-05:00

I turned 32 this week. To celebrate, the urban family took me to the most authentic "Louisiana" Po-Boy joint in town. It had been a while since I'd indulged in a hurricane - let alone four. That night I had the most bizarre dream: Two Amish men throw me into the back of a car. As we speed away, I think, NOT that it is strange I'm being kidnapped by the Amish, but rather, it is odd they are driving a car. They tell me I wear too much makeup, and then let me go.

Note to self: The Amish are not to be trusted - obviously, they have no idea what they are taking about. Oh, and next time, lay off the hallucinogenic hurricanes.

Friday the 13th missed misadventures

2006-10-19T19:23:00.000-05:00

Although my day started with a nasty burn from a curling iron, I had the most amazingly fun evening. I met the urban family for dinner and our semi-annual trip to the 9:30 club for the Super Diamond concert. Past "Surreal Neil" shows are associated with their share of misadventures. Despite the fact it was Friday the 13th, this evening proved to be perfect.

None of us had to catch a plane the next day.
None of us got caught in a blizzard.
None of us had to spend over an hour in the coat check line.
None of us had to pee at a Metro station.
None of us took a "nap" in a bathroom stall.

All of us had a blast.

It was a good time with GREAT friends. And with friends like mine, I am very lucky indeed.

What a way to start the day

2006-10-12T23:06:00.000-05:00

I am not going to beat around the bush. This has been one heck of a week. It's been extraordinarily bad. I've had some good times with friends, but overall, what a doozie. I'm not about to bore you with tales of woe. I will note though, that if you have a bad morning, you're more than likely going to have a bad day. To give you an idea of what a crappy week this has been, here's a rundown of this week's mornings.

Monday - Tripped and fell over seemingly nothing in my apartment
Tuesday - Severly scalded my right hand by spilling PIPING HOT chocolate all over it (not to mention the mess that made)
Wednesday - LITERALLY got up on the wrong side of the bed causing me to RUN INTO one of my bedposts
Thursday - Majorly stubbed my toe on the ottoman
Friday - Burned my forehead AND NECK with the curling iron

I was doomed from the start this week. Of course, I could just chalk all this up to the fact that I am not a morning person, but apparently I AM a tremendous klutz.

Delivery or PICKING UP?!?!

2006-10-07T16:43:00.000-05:00

My friend Angey gave me a purse shaped like a Chinese take-out box as a gift. Everywhere I go, people comment on how it is so unique. The other night was a new one though. While out with a friend, a guy approached me, WENT ON about my purse for at least 10 MINUTES, and then asked if he could touch it. (???) That has GOT to be one of the oddest lines I've ever received. "Hey, can I touch your purse?" Is this seriously the best that guys can come up with now? I think "What's your sign" needs to make a comeback.

Spanglish

2006-10-04T18:05:00.000-05:00

I don't speak Spanish. In addition, I don't speak broken English with a Spanish accent. This can cause problems. For example, on my recent trip to Miami, when we asked housekeeping for a rollaway "sleeper", we got an extra pair of slippers.

Earlier this week, I had to bring my car in for some routine maintenance. I live on a Metro station, so I just dropped off my car and took advantage of the dealership's shuttle service. My driver must not have had a valid license because he seemed to take every out-of-the-way, back road to get me to the station. The trip home took three times as long as it should have. To pass the time, the driver engaged me in conversation...

Driver: You have keys?
Mel: Yes. I grabbed the keys I need.
Driver: How many keys you have?
Mel: Uhhhhhhh. I dunno. Four?
Driver: Four keys? Wow. In school?
Mel: No. I graduated a while ago.
Driver: No. Not you. Your keys.
Mel: What?
Driver: Your keys in school?
Mel: Oh, KIDS! I don't have any kids.
Driver: What?
Mel: No keys.
Driver: Oh.

Do they make Rosetta Stone Software for this?

Very Nice. Whah Whah Wee Whah!

2006-10-02T20:15:00.000-05:00

Friday proved to be a fun night with the urban family. The evening started with a quest for Kazakhstan journalist Borat (actor Sacha Baron Cohen was in town promoting his movie) and ended with a very interesting picture message from Jen of a shirtless Rob. At least he waited until they hit the parking lot to take it off. I managed to keep all my clothes in tact, but did learn a valuable lesson - Vodka and chocolate cake does not a meal make.

He Better Grow Up to Love Whiskey

2006-09-25T17:14:00.000-05:00

While watching the LSU-Tulane game Saturday, I met an Alum expecting a baby boy. I asked her if they had a name picked out. "John Daniel, after each of our fathers, but he'd go by Jack." Before I could stop myself, I blurted "Ohmygosh! You are SERIOUSLY naming your baby JACK DANIEL?!?!"

Maybe one day modern medicine will develop a cure for my foot-in-mouth disease. Until then, I can't help but wonder if this couple ever has another boy, will they name him James Beam? ...Of course, he'd go by Jim.

Double the Fun

2006-09-22T00:02:00.000-05:00

I met Claudine and Amanda last Saturday to watch the LSU-Auburn game. Although my Tigers suffered a loss, Claudine and I managed to win two guys' affection.

When we first arrived, a University of Miami fan grabbed me to chat about the upcoming game and my team. Since Claudine and I had just been to Miami, we had plenty fodder for conversation with he and his friend. After the game, the fellahs caught up with us and asked us to join them for drinks. Since we had a girls night planned, we declined, but instead agreed to meet them on Tuesday for happy hour.

As I exited the metro Tuesday after work, I get a panicked call from Claudine saying she was at the bar, but couldn’t remember exactly what the guys looked like. “They were wearing ball caps and sports gear. All these guys are clean shaven and in suits!” I was able to come to her rescue, spotting our men almost as soon as I hit the door. We had been chatting with them for a good 15 minutes when I asked the Hurricane who Miami was playing this weekend. He gave me this quizzical look and shrugged. “I dunno, I really don’t follow football. Why?”

YEAH! Real smooth. I picked out the WRONG MEN!!! We excused ourselves and, thankfully, the right guys were able to track US down. Well, if things don’t work out with the Hurricane and his friend, Claudine and I can always call in the second string.

Miami Misadventures: Part III - I'll Tumble 4 Ya

2006-09-18T16:46:00.000-05:00

This weekend, I FINALLY got around to doing all my laundry that had been accumulating since before my trip. While spot-treating stains on some of the outfits I wore in Miami, I started to think about all the "spills" the three of us took while on vacation. Just for fun, I compiled a list...

Glass of Bacon (Prime 112)
Carafe of Orange Juice (Mansion)
Blue Cheese Dressing (Ritz Pool)
Strawberry Pina Colada (Ritz Pool)
Banana Dream (Barton G)
x2 - Specialty Martini (Barton G)
Water (Barton G)

x2 - Pearl Vodka (Pearl)
Melanie (Off the Stage - Pearl)
Claudine (Off the Stage - Pearl)
Courvoisier (Pearl)
Salt (News Cafe)
Gelato (Coco Gelato)
Kettle One (Tantra)
Truffled Mac & Cheese (Prime 112)

And to finish the trip off right - Water (Plane ride back to DC)

Miami Misadventures: Part II - Clubbin' with the Colombian Cartel

2006-09-14T16:49:00.000-05:00

To pick up from where I left off in the last post, we finally found the Holy Grail of Miami nightclubs. As the concierge had feared, Mansion was not keeping a VIP list due to Labor Day crowds… and there was QUITE a crowd. We debated heading back to the hotel, but instead opted to play the “pick-me, pick-me” velvet rope waiting game for a little while. Thankfully, we didn’t have to wait long. (Sometimes having breasts pays off.) The place was AWESOME and we had an UNBELIEVABLE time.

At one point in the evening, we “snuck” into the upstairs “high-rollers” area and ended up hanging with these guys that had a private table. The one guy, Matt, invited us to party with him and some of his friends the following evening at the ultra-exclusive club, Pearl. He was a really nice guy, so we agreed.

The next night at Pearl, a few red flags were raised:

Matt is an Italian New York native who recently moved his business to Miami
Matt’s “business” is International Shipping
Matt lived in Israel for a few years to run his “shipping business”
Matt met his friend, Fernando, only two days prior
Fernando is only in town for a week on “business”
Fernando lives in a “mountain town” in Colombia
After exchanging some silent hand signals, Matt and Fernando disappear for over an hour to “go to the bathroom”
Not long after returning, Fernando borrows Matt’s cell to place a call to Colombia at 4 IN THE MORNING

We had a great time with the fellahs, but something was definitely up. And if there was any remaining doubt, the evening ended with Fernando spending half an hour trying to convince me to go to Cuba. I kept waiting for him to say he knew someone with a really fast boat. I don't know about the boat, but we sure did make a fast getaway!

Miami Misadventures: Part I - "Entertainment"

2006-09-12T18:00:00.000-05:00

Last week, I took an extended Labor Day vacation to Miami with 2 of my girls. The trip was AMAZING. We lived like royalty at the Ritz South Beach, ate extravagant meals in Miami’s hottest restaurants, and stayed out dancing at trendy clubs until the wee early hours of the morning. I seriously felt like a movie star. But, this is ME we are talking about, so naturally we were bound to have some “wacky” adventures mixed into our stay.

Our first night in town, we made our way to the wildly popular Mansion nightclub per the suggestion of our cool, 20-something concierge. He told us that he would “try” to get us on the VIP list, but couldn’t make any promises since the clubs are so busy over Labor Day Weekend. The club was HUGE and the line was even bigger. There had to be at least 100 people stretched along the side of the building and around the corner. Of course, we stormed right past the line and up to the bouncer to inform him we were on “the list”.

Upon entering the club, the first thing that caught my attention was a girl in a black unitard with the body of a model and the face of a crack whore dancing on a stripper pole high above the crowd. In case there was any doubt of this girl’s function in the club, emblazoned across her rear in bright yellow letters was the word “entertainment”. The next thing I noticed that the three of us were noticeably out of place. Not only did we not meet the club’s dress code of jeans and air force ones, we were the only white people in the place. Ah well, our concierge said this was the “place to be”, so we hit the dance floor. After an hour of booty shaking, we decided to leave as none of us recognized ANY of the hard-core gangsta’ hip-hop songs being played. It certainly wasn't a classy establishment that one might expect to be steered toward by a Ritz conceirge.

I’m not sure how we missed it on our way in, but the name of the club, SOBE Live, was plastered ALL OVER the building. It was on a banner above the door, on the door itself, and was etched into EVERY window spanning the length of the building. Of course, right next door was an equally large club with a GIGANTIC lit "MANSION" marquee.

I’m not sure which is funnier, the fact that we missed ALL the signs and went into the wrong club or the fact that we breezed into the wrong club past a line of 100+ people by falsely claiming to be on the VIP list. Either way, our mistake proved to be very “entertaining”.

Kitchen Math

2006-09-01T16:19:00.000-05:00

In case you were wondering, it takes less than 5 minutes for a BRAND NEW 2.5 gallon Deer Park dispenser with the tap slightly open to empty out of the refrigerator and fill my kitchen 3/4" deep in water. It takes over 45 minutes to clean it up.

The Queer Queens of Comedy

2006-08-31T17:23:00.000-05:00

The thing I love most about this city is the fact that, on any given night, there are over 500 different choices for entertainment. AT LEAST.

Last Friday, options were endless for a fun night out with my friend Claudine. We decided to catch some stand-up at one of the many comedy clubs in the area. While perusing the listings, Claudine happened upon a show that had our interest peaked. “The Queer Queens of Comedy? I bet it’s some sort of act with drag queens!” The two of us were reeling at the just the THOUGHT of trannie comics, so off we went.

Yeah… It turned out the “Queer Queens of Comedy” were all lesbians. Claudine and I were the only two girls in the theater who weren’t on a “date”. Yup. It was about 500 extraordinarily butch women and US. Once again, I managed to throw myself into an incredibly odd situation. (Not that going to see drag queen comics WOULDN’T have been “odd”, just less awkward for two heterosexual girls.)

Of course, we ended up having a blast. The comediennes were great, but half their jokes didn’t apply to us so we started making our own. When the headliner started to tell political jokes bashing BUSH, I thought I was going to die laughing. I’ll leave it to your imagination what was said about THAT under our breath.

Ya gots ta luv de ladies!!!

My pedophile ex-boyfriend

2006-08-25T14:02:00.000-05:00

My friend Angey called me last night to let me know that she’s taken an informal poll in Baton Rouge. It seems that some people feel my ex-boyfriend, the GENTLE GIANT, resembles the JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect, John Mark Karr. Yeah… that is pretty much one of the last things you want to hear.

“Hey, Melanie. Your ex-boyfriend looks like a MODEL!”
Cool.

“Hey, Melanie. Your ex-boyfriend looks like a SEX-OFFENDER!”
Not so cool.

Do I have "killer" taste in men or what?

Be Lame Like Mel: A 12 Step Program

2006-08-21T11:32:00.000-05:00

Join a local book club.
Every month suggest the SAME book.
After ONE YEAR of badgering members, finally have your book chosen.
Don't bother to order the book online, wait until the DAY BEFORE the meeting to buy it.
Discover that pretty much every bookstore in the area has sold out of your book.
Call in reinforcements to help you track down the book.
After finding the book, go out shopping with a friend instead of getting started on reading the dang thing.
Go out that evening and consume a full bottle of super-sugary dry white wine by yourself. (You can always read the book the next day, right?)
Spend the next day recovering from the full bottle of super-sugary dry white wine you drank.
Show up 30 minutes late for the book club meeting that you are supposed to be moderating.
Pretend you know what the members are saying about your book by nodding and agreeing with them.
Suggest a new book for next month.

Wait… Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young are Liberals?!?!

2006-08-15T21:30:00.000-05:00

While out with the urban family (minus one) on Saturday, Rob got a call from his friend Mike. It seems that Mike knows a guy who works at the Nissan Pavilion so he was able to score some free tickets for Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.

The last concert I attended at Nissan was Journey/Def Leppard. Rob and his friend Joey didn’t have tickets, yet the two of them NOT ONLY managed to sneak in to the show, but they also got BACKSTAGE PASSES. Want to know how they pulled it off? They simply told someone at the door they were roadies. I never knew it was that easy.

Needless to say, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to catch another show with a fun group of people despite the fact I’m not a huge fan of CSNY. Apparently I’m not the only one. Remember Mike? The one who GOT THE TICKETS? While they belted out songs like “Flags of Freedom” and “Find the Cost of Freedom” as images of fallen soldiers from Iraq flashed across gigantic screens, Mike’s jaw dropped. He and his friends got in QUITE an uproar. Now, I did say that I’m not a “huge” fan, but at least I know their music!

And now for a short skit approximating what transpired…

Mike: What’s up with all this anti-war BS? Can’t they just play their music without some political agenda?!?!
Mel: Ummmmmm… You do know that they were at the forefront of protest music in the late 60’s and early 70’s, right?
Mike: No. Wait, I thought they sang “Southern Cross”.
Mel: Yeah, but they are also known for songs like “Ohio”.

::: Mike stares blankly :::

Mel: It’s about the Kent State Massacre...
Mike’s Militant Friend: Had I been in the Guard back then, we would’a got more than four!

::: Mel stares blankly :::

Mike: So… they’re Liberals???
Mel: The concert is called “The Freedom of Speech Tour”! Crosby fathered Melissa Ethridge’s lesbian baby!
Mike: Well, I knew about both of those.
Mel: And none of that tipped you off?

::: CSNY starts to sing “Impeach the President”:::

Mike and Friends: THAT’S IT. We’re outta here!!!

As they all stormed out of the show, I thought to myself, if ANYONE would end up at a CSNY concert with a pack of UBER-CONSERVATIVE Republicans, it’d be ME. Ah well. I’m a Republican, but I respect other people’s opinion and I SURE AS HECK was sticking around to keep on rockin’ the free world!

Catherine's Farewell

2006-08-13T13:38:00.000-05:00

On Thursday, the urban family went to Greg's apartment (all 350 sq. feet of it) to give our "little sis" a proper send-off. Translation: we got sufficiently tanked.

While husband and wife duo, Jen and Rob, took off at a somewhat respectable hour, the remaining three of us stayed up until 4 am. Real smart considering we had to get up at 5 am to go to the airport. Greg and I were so tired, neither of us even bothered to change from our pajamas!

After seeing Catherine off, Greg and I went back to his place to get in a nap before work. Great plan. I managed to sleep through a phone call and two text messages, Greg's alarm clock, him getting dressed and leaving, and my OWN alarm clock. I woke up in a panic at 9:15 to an empty apartment, STILL buzzed, and over an hour away from work - the result being a trip to the office resembling a game of Pole Position.

A few "take-aways" from this experience:

Catherine, the next time you decide to move out of the country, book a flight on a SATURDAY or SUNDAY morning.
Melanie, there is a reason the last time you went anywhere in public without a bra was when you were ten. No matter how drunk or tired you are, before heading out the door ALWAYS put a bra on under your nightshirt.
Greg, no matter how "peaceful" I may look sleeping sprawled across your bed like a starfish, as a friend, please kick me out.
For the rest of you, if you were ever curious, I could TOTALLY qualify for the Indy 500.

The Birth of Mel's Blog

2006-08-10T15:37:00.000-05:00

This summer marks the one year anniversary of moving to the DC area from my lifelong home, Louisiana. A lot has happened in the past year. A lot. Anyone who knows me knows what a hectic, crazy life I lead.

For example, I've managed to:

find every possible way to get lost on my way to the office
find that every possible way I CAN get lost on my way to the office will lead me directly to the Manassas Battlefield
enter a trivia contest with the team name of “Terry Schiavo, half a brain… not bad for a Florida voter.”
have a vagrant outside of Hooter’s try to kiss me
sneak into a production of Mama Mia at the National Theatre
have three transvestites ask me where I got my outfit
pass out on the metro… heading in the WRONG direction
get an entertainment center from IKEA stuck in my car
suffer from a bout of Claustrophobia while leaving a Nationals game

And that was just my first week up here. Seriously.

Of course, keeping my friends up to date on the hilarity that is my life has been next to impossible. It was my good friend Catherine, the youngest member of my urban family, who suggested I keep a blog so that she could still laugh at my expense despite the fact she’s moving away.

So, now you all won’t have to wait until the next time we chat to hear about my misadventures. From dropping my car keys in the Chesapeake Bay to my dinner date who sat in his chair "Indian style" at a very nice restaurant and asked me if it would be okay for him to kick off his shoes (I can’t make this stuff up)... it’ll all be here for your reading pleasure.

Enjoy! :-D