The Queer Queens of Comedy

The thing I love most about this city is the fact that, on any given night, there are over 500 different choices for entertainment. AT LEAST.

Last Friday, options were endless for a fun night out with my friend Claudine. We decided to catch some stand-up at one of the many comedy clubs in the area. While perusing the listings, Claudine happened upon a show that had our interest peaked. “The Queer Queens of Comedy? I bet it’s some sort of act with drag queens!” The two of us were reeling at the just the THOUGHT of trannie comics, so off we went.

Yeah… It turned out the “Queer Queens of Comedy” were all lesbians. Claudine and I were the only two girls in the theater who weren’t on a “date”. Yup. It was about 500 extraordinarily butch women and US. Once again, I managed to throw myself into an incredibly odd situation. (Not that going to see drag queen comics WOULDN’T have been “odd”, just less awkward for two heterosexual girls.)

Of course, we ended up having a blast. The comediennes were great, but half their jokes didn’t apply to us so we started making our own. When the headliner started to tell political jokes bashing BUSH, I thought I was going to die laughing. I’ll leave it to your imagination what was said about THAT under our breath.

Ya gots ta luv de ladies!!!

My pedophile ex-boyfriend

My friend Angey called me last night to let me know that she’s taken an informal poll in Baton Rouge. It seems that some people feel my ex-boyfriend, the GENTLE GIANT, resembles the JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect, John Mark Karr. Yeah… that is pretty much one of the last things you want to hear.

“Hey, Melanie. Your ex-boyfriend looks like a MODEL!”
Cool.

“Hey, Melanie. Your ex-boyfriend looks like a SEX-OFFENDER!”
Not so cool.

Do I have "killer" taste in men or what?

Be Lame Like Mel: A 12 Step Program

1. Join a local book club.
2. Every month suggest the SAME book.
3. After ONE YEAR of badgering members, finally have your book chosen.
4. Don't bother to order the book online, wait until the DAY BEFORE the meeting to buy it.
5. Discover that pretty much every bookstore in the area has sold out of your book.
6. Call in reinforcements to help you track down the book.
7. After finding the book, go out shopping with a friend instead of getting started on reading the dang thing.
8. Go out that evening and consume a full bottle of super-sugary dry white wine by yourself. (You can always read the book the next day, right?)
9. Spend the next day recovering from the full bottle of super-sugary dry white wine you drank.
10. Show up 30 minutes late for the book club meeting that you are supposed to be moderating.
11. Pretend you know what the members are saying about your book by nodding and agreeing with them.
12. Suggest a new book for next month.
    

Wait… Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young are Liberals?!?!

While out with the urban family (minus one) on Saturday, Rob got a call from his friend Mike. It seems that Mike knows a guy who works at the Nissan Pavilion so he was able to score some free tickets for Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.

The last concert I attended at Nissan was Journey/Def Leppard. Rob and his friend Joey didn’t have tickets, yet the two of them NOT ONLY managed to sneak in to the show, but they also got BACKSTAGE PASSES. Want to know how they pulled it off? They simply told someone at the door they were roadies. I never knew it was that easy.

Needless to say, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to catch another show with a fun group of people despite the fact I’m not a huge fan of CSNY. Apparently I’m not the only one. Remember Mike? The one who GOT THE TICKETS? While they belted out songs like “Flags of Freedom” and “Find the Cost of Freedom” as images of fallen soldiers from Iraq flashed across gigantic screens, Mike’s jaw dropped. He and his friends got in QUITE an uproar. Now, I did say that I’m not a “huge” fan, but at least I know their music!

And now for a short skit approximating what transpired…

Mike: What’s up with all this anti-war BS? Can’t they just play their music without some political agenda?!?!
Mel: Ummmmmm… You do know that they were at the forefront of protest music in the late 60’s and early 70’s, right?
Mike: No. Wait, I thought they sang “Southern Cross”.
Mel: Yeah, but they are also known for songs like “Ohio”.

::: Mike stares blankly :::

Mel: It’s about the Kent State Massacre...
Mike’s Militant Friend: Had I been in the Guard back then, we would’a got more than four!

::: Mel stares blankly :::

Mike: So… they’re Liberals???
Mel: The concert is called “The Freedom of Speech Tour”! Crosby fathered Melissa Ethridge’s lesbian baby!
Mike: Well, I knew about both of those.
Mel: And none of that tipped you off?

::: CSNY starts to sing “Impeach the President”:::

Mike and Friends: THAT’S IT. We’re outta here!!!

As they all stormed out of the show, I thought to myself, if ANYONE would end up at a CSNY concert with a pack of UBER-CONSERVATIVE Republicans, it’d be ME. Ah well. I’m a Republican, but I respect other people’s opinion and I SURE AS HECK was sticking around to keep on rockin’ the free world!

Catherine's Farewell

On Thursday, the urban family went to Greg's apartment (all 350 sq. feet of it) to give our "little sis" a proper send-off. Translation: we got sufficiently tanked.

While husband and wife duo, Jen and Rob, took off at a somewhat respectable hour, the remaining three of us stayed up until 4 am. Real smart considering we had to get up at 5 am to go to the airport. Greg and I were so tired, neither of us even bothered to change from our pajamas!

After seeing Catherine off, Greg and I went back to his place to get in a nap before work. Great plan. I managed to sleep through a phone call and two text messages, Greg's alarm clock, him getting dressed and leaving, and my OWN alarm clock. I woke up in a panic at 9:15 to an empty apartment, STILL buzzed, and over an hour away from work - the result being a trip to the office resembling a game of Pole Position.

A few "take-aways" from this experience:

1. Catherine, the next time you decide to move out of the country, book a flight on a SATURDAY or SUNDAY morning.
2. Melanie, there is a reason the last time you went anywhere in public without a bra was when you were ten. No matter how drunk or tired you are, before heading out the door ALWAYS put a bra on under your nightshirt.
3. Greg, no matter how "peaceful" I may look sleeping sprawled across your bed like a starfish, as a friend, please kick me out.
   
4. For the rest of you, if you were ever curious, I could TOTALLY qualify for the Indy 500.

The Birth of Mel's Blog

This summer marks the one year anniversary of moving to the DC area from my lifelong home, Louisiana. A lot has happened in the past year. A lot. Anyone who knows me knows what a hectic, crazy life I lead.

For example, I've managed to:

• find every possible way to get lost on my way to the office
• find that every possible way I CAN get lost on my way to the office will lead me directly to the Manassas Battlefield
• enter a trivia contest with the team name of “Terry Schiavo, half a brain… not bad for a Florida voter.”
• have a vagrant outside of Hooter’s try to kiss me
• sneak into a production of Mama Mia at the National Theatre
• have three transvestites ask me where I got my outfit
• pass out on the metro… heading in the WRONG direction
• get an entertainment center from IKEA stuck in my car
• suffer from a bout of Claustrophobia while leaving a Nationals game

And that was just my first week up here. Seriously.

Of course, keeping my friends up to date on the hilarity that is my life has been next to impossible. It was my good friend Catherine, the youngest member of my urban family, who suggested I keep a blog so that she could still laugh at my expense despite the fact she’s moving away.

So, now you all won’t have to wait until the next time we chat to hear about my misadventures. From dropping my car keys in the Chesapeake Bay to my dinner date who sat in his chair "Indian style" at a very nice restaurant and asked me if it would be okay for him to kick off his shoes (I can’t make this stuff up)... it’ll all be here for your reading pleasure.

Enjoy! :-D